Before We Begin, A Word of Warning:
What The Robe Is Not
The Dude’s robe, with all its cinematic charms, doesn’t approach Old School in real life. A proper robe is an embodiment of an important rule.
Picture Winston Churchill during WWII. It’s early in the morning at 10 Downing Street. A last minute emergency meeting has been called. He’s speaking with several of his generals and covert intelligence people. His familiar cigar smoke fills the air. Because of the early morning and last minute nature of the meeting, he’s not fully dressed, but wearing a robe. His voice is forceful and commanding, his cigar punctuating his speech.
Picture Winston Churchill during WWII. It’s early in the morning at 10 Downing Street. A last minute emergency meeting has been called. He’s speaking with several of his generals and covert intelligence people. His familiar cigar smoke fills the air. Because of the early morning and last minute nature of the meeting, he’s not fully dressed, but wearing boxer shorts and a wife beater. His voice is forceful and commanding, his cigar punctuating his speech.
Believable? Not for a second.
When you’re kicking back on a Saturday morning…
When you’re lounging around the house…
When you’re smoking a cigar on your deck after a long day…
When you’re celebrating a PND (Personal Naked Day)*…
… do it in Old School style. Wear a robe.
Unfortunately, the robe, much like the hat and pocketknife, has fallen to the wayside in the world of male lifestyle accessorization. (Did I just type the phrase male lifestyle accessorization? Forgive me.) This is another symptom of a lack of self-respect that plagues the world.
Notice I didn’t say lack of self-esteem. Self-esteem doesn’t have to be rooted in any value but love of self and the world has a whole lotta that d’ere! Self-respect means making yourself answer to standards that are bigger than you.
“I never saw people with more self-esteem in the world than street-level drug dealers.
They had all kinds of self-esteem. But they didn’t have any self-respect.”
William Bennett, former US Drug Czar, former Secretary of Education
Taking the miniscule effort to put on a robe instead of lounging around in your tighty-whities shows a self-respect towards a higher level of comportment and style.
If a guy walks out on his porch in a proper man robe to get the morning paper, he looks appropriate.
If a man has company at the homestead, puts on his robe and greets them with a fresh pot of morning coffee, he looks friendly & hospitable.
If a husband wants to continue that post-romance vibe at 8 am with the Mrs, he showers, then prepares an awesome breakfast-in-bed while wearing his robe he looks romantic.
Appropriate + friendly + hospitable + romantic = Old School
Choosing A Proper Man Robe
Get the proper size
Think “luxuriant king’s robe” but without the ermine. Make it big and roomy. A couple of pockets don’t hurt either. (Good place to keep your reading glasses, Zippo and cigar cutter.) A shorty-short robe will make you look like Nancy boy. Make it to the knee or lower.
A hood is no good.
You are not a monk, executioner, a contender for the heavyweight boxing title or a recruit of the late Senator Byrd. Don’t get a robe with a hood.
Choose the right material for you
There is no wrong choice, as long as you remember you’re a man — an Old School Man — and not a Nancy boy. Silk, terry cloth, flannel, whatever — let comfort and climate be your guide.
Robes, much like good bourbon, are not just for breakfast anymore
The end of the long day, sitting on the deck facing the backyard. The only eyes on me are the squirrels and, if I’m lucky, the smokin’ hot bride’s. I sit and puff on the fruit of the labors of our Dominican neighbors. Life is good.
Before I go, the tale of the bearskin robe, an old German folktale from the Brothers Grimm. This story proves a good robe can make you rich and score a hot wife.
THERE was once a young fellow who enlisted as a soldier, conducted himself bravely, and was always the foremost when it rained bullets. So long as the war lasted, all went well, but when peace was made, he received his dismissal, and the captain said he might go where he liked. His parents were dead, and he had no longer a home, so he went to his brothers and begged them to take him in, and keep him until war broke out again. The brothers, however, were hard-hearted and said, “What can we do with thee? thou art of no use; go and make a living for thyself.” The soldier had nothing left but his gun; he took that on his shoulder, and went forth into the world. He came to a wide heath, on which nothing was to be seen but a circle of trees; under these trees he sat sorrowfully down, and began to think over his fate. “I have no money,” thought he, “I have learnt no trade but that of fighting, and now that they have made peace they don’t want me any longer; so I see beforehand that I shall have to starve.” All at once he heard a rustling, and when he looked round, a strange man stood before him, who wore a green coat and looked right stately, but had a hideous cloven foot. “I know already what thou art in need of,” said the man; “gold and possessions shalt thou have, as much as thou canst make away with, do what thou wilt, but first I must know if thou art fearless, that I may not bestow my money in vain.” “A soldier and fear—how can those two things go together?” he answered; “thou canst put me to the proof.” “Very well, then,” answered the man, “look behind thee.” The soldier turned round, and saw a large bear, which came growling towards him. “Oho!” cried the soldier, “I will tickle thy nose for thee, so that thou shalt soon lose thy fancy for growling,” and he aimed at the bear and shot it through the muzzle; it fell down and never stirred again. “I see quite well,” said the stranger, “that thou art not wanting in courage, but there is still another condition which thou wilt have to fulfil.” “If it does not endanger my salvation,” replied the soldier, who knew very well who was standing beside him. “If it does, I’ll have nothing to do with it.” “Thou wilt look to that for thyself,” answered Greencoat; “thou shalt for the next seven years neither wash thyself, nor comb thy beard, nor thy hair, nor cut thy nails, nor say one paternoster. I will give thee a coat and a cloak, which during this time thou must wear. If thou diest during these seven years, thou art mine; if thou remainest alive, thou art free, and rich to boot, for all the rest of thy life.” The soldier thought of the great extremity in which he now found himself, and as he so often had gone to meet death, he resolved to risk it now also, and agreed to the terms. The Devil took off his green coat, gave it to the soldier, and said, “If thou hast this coat on thy back and puttest thy hand into the pocket, thou wilt always find it full of money.” Then he pulled the skin off the bear and said, “This shall be thy cloak, and thy bed also, for thereon shalt thou sleep, and in no other bed shalt thou lie, and because of this apparel shalt thou be called Bearskin.” After this the Devil vanished.
The soldier put the coat on, felt at once in the pocket, and found that the thing was really true. Then he put on the bearskin, and went forth into the world, and enjoyed himself, refraining from nothing that did him good and his money harm. During the first year his appearance was passable, but during the second he began to look like a monster. His hair covered nearly the whole of his face, his beard was like a piece of coarse felt, his fingers had claws, and his face was so covered with dirt that if cress had been sown on it, it would have come up. Whosoever saw him, ran away, but as he everywhere gave the poor money to pray that he might not die during the seven years, and, as he paid well for everything, he still always found shelter. In the fourth year, he entered an inn where the landlord would not receive him, and would not even let him have a place in the stable, because he was afraid the horses would be scared. But as Bearskin thrust his hand into his pocket and pulled out a handful of ducats, the host let himself be persuaded and gave him a room in an outhouse. Bearskin was, however, obliged to promise not to let himself be seen, lest the inn should get a bad name.
As Bearskin was sitting alone in the evening, and wishing from the bottom of his heart that the seven years were over, he heard a loud lamenting in a neighbouring room. He had a compassionate heart, so he opened the door, and saw an old man weeping bitterly, and wringing his hands. Bearskin went nearer, but the man sprang to his feet and tried to escape from him. At last when the man perceived that Bearskin’s voice was human he let himself be prevailed on, and by kind words Bearskin succeeded so far that the old man revealed the cause of his grief. His property had dwindled away by degrees, he and his daughters would have to starve, and he was so poor that he could not pay the innkeeper, and was to be put in prison. “If that is your only trouble,” said Bearskin, “I have plenty of money.” He caused the innkeeper to be brought thither, paid him and put a purse full of gold into the poor old man’s pocket besides.
When the old man saw himself set free from all his troubles, he did not know how to be grateful enough. “Come with me,” said he to Bearskin; “my daughters are all miracles of beauty, choose one of them for thyself as a wife. When she hears what thou hast done for me, she will not refuse thee. Thou dost in truth look a little strange, but she will soon put thee to rights again.” This pleased Bearskin well, and he went. When the eldest saw him she was so terribly alarmed at his face that she screamed and ran away. The second stood still and looked at him from head to foot, but then she said, “How can I accept a husband who no longer has a human form? The shaven bear that once was here and passed itself off for a man pleased me far better, for at any rate it wore a hussar’s dress and white gloves. If it were nothing but ugliness, I might get used to that.” The youngest, however, said, “Dear father, that must be a good man to have helped you out of your trouble, so if you have promised him a bride for doing it, your promise must be kept.” It was a pity that Bearskin’s face was covered with dirt and with hair, for, if not, they might have seen how delighted he was when he heard these words. He took a ring from his finger, broke it in two, and gave her one half, the other he kept for himself. He wrote his name, however, on her half, and hers on his, and begged her to keep her piece carefully, and then he took his leave and said, “I must still wander about for three years, and if I do not return then, thou art free, for I shall be dead. But pray to God to preserve my life.”
The poor betrothed bride dressed herself entirely in black, and when she thought of her future bridegroom, tears came into her eyes. Nothing but contempt and mockery fell to her lot from her sisters. “Take care,” said the eldest, “if thou givest him thy hand, he will strike his claws into it.” “Beware!” said the second. “Bears like sweet things, and if he takes a fancy to thee, he will eat thee up.” “Thou must always do as he likes,” began the elder again, “or else he will growl.” And the second continued, “but the wedding will be a merry one, for bears dance well.” The bride was silent, and did not let them vex her. Bearskin, however, travelled about the world from one place to another, did good where he was able, and gave generously to the poor that they might pray for him.
At length, as the last day of the seven years dawned, he went once more out on to the heath, and seated himself beneath the circle of trees. It was not long before the wind whistled, and the Devil stood before him and looked angrily at him; then he threw Bearskin his old coat, and asked for his own green one back. “We have not got so far as that yet,” answered Bearskin, “thou must first make me clean.” Whether the Devil liked it or not, he was forced to fetch water, and wash Bearskin, comb his hair, and cut his nails. After this, he looked like a brave soldier, and was much handsomer than he had ever been before.
When the Devil had gone away, Bearskin was quite light-hearted. He went into the town, put on a magnificent velvet coat, seated himself in a carriage drawn by four white horses, and drove to his bride’s house. No one recognized him, the father took him for a distinguished general, and led him into the room where his daughters were sitting. He was forced to place himself between the two eldest, they helped him to wine, gave him the best pieces of meat, and thought that in all the world they had never seen a handsomer man. The bride, however, sat opposite to him in her black dress, and never raised her eyes, nor spoke a word. When at length he asked the father if he would give him one of his daughters to wife, the two eldest jumped up, ran into their bedrooms to put on splendid dresses, for each of them fancied she was the chosen one. The stranger, as soon as he was alone with his bride, brought out his half of the ring, and threw it in a glass of wine which he reached across the table to her. She took the wine, but when she had drunk it, and found the half ring lying at the bottom, her heart began to beat. She got the other half, which she wore on a ribbon round her neck, joined them, and saw that the two pieces fitted exactly together. Then said he, “I am thy betrothed bridegroom, whom thou sawest as Bearskin, but through God’s grace I have again received my human form, and have once more become clean.” He went up to her, embraced her, and gave her a kiss. In the mean time the two sisters came back in full dress, and when they saw that the handsome man had fallen to the share of the youngest, and heard that he was Bearskin, they ran out full of anger and rage. One of them drowned herself in the well, the other hanged herself on a tree. In the evening, some one knocked at the door, and when the bridegroom opened it, it was the Devil in his green coat, who said, “Seest thou, I have now got two souls in the place of thy one!”
*Just making sure you were paying attention.