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A Cup of Joe, NOT A Venti Skim Frapa… blah, blah, blah

Posted by on June 24, 2011

So I’m knee deep into a long drive from Dearborn to Philadelphia…

My thermos is empty. I need caffeine. I stop at a service plaza to fill up on some coffee. The Starbucks is open 24 hours.


Two guys are in front of me in the line. I arrive as the first guy is ordering. He was speaking loud enough for me to hear.

“I’ll have a, wait, mochachino, no, let me think… make that a skinny caramel, no, too sugary… (At this point I believe I went into some sort of audio blackout. Whatever it was, my middle-aged testosterone kept my ears from working for all but the last seconds of this guy’s order) Yes! Make it a peppermint mocha cappuccino with a shot of sugar-free vanilla syrup. Venti.”

It’s no exaggeration to say this guy took a minimum of fifty seconds and three questions to spit out a drink order. I wanted to say, “Pal, if you want a milk shake there’s a Dairy Queen two exits up the interstate.” But before I could get that out his order was complete and he moved to his left (Literally. Metaphorically I’m guessing he was about as left he could get.)

The next guy comes up to the counter. Even from the back it was obvious he was current or retired military. The demeanor. The posture. The tone of voice. He walked up and simply said, “Large coffee, please.”

It was so great I wanted to immediately yell, “Play ball.”

I walked up and placed my order. “Large coffee, please.”

She replied, “Room for cream?”

Considering Starbucks charges over two bucks for a cup of coffee, I think asking “Room for cream?” is another way to say, “Even less coffee?” It’s like McDonald’s asking you after your french fry order, “Room for ketchup?”

I paid for my coffee and went on my way.

From that moment on I’ve never even considered ordering any beverage that ends with “ino”. I will also not use misappropriated words for drink sizes. Small, medium or large, thank you.

Even in the day to day minutia of ordering coffee, there’s a wrong way and then there’s an Old School way.

Old School rules.

Keep it Old School, my friends

The Old Man

PS: While you’re here, don’t forget to click the link at the top of the page and “like” Old School Rules on Facebook.


7 Responses to A Cup of Joe, NOT A Venti Skim Frapa… blah, blah, blah

  1. Erin

    I’m typically not a violent person. I do, however, admit to wanting to smack the taste out of the mouth of the next person who orders “A Venti, Skim Milk, Half Caff, No whip, Macchiato”

    (There actually shouldn’t be any damned whipped cream in a Macchiato anyway, Starbucks. Espresso marked with a little bit of milk. That’s it. And anyone who hasn’t the stones for whole caffeinated espresso is a total jackwagon for spending that much. Get a regular cup of joe, slacker. So says the foodie).

    And, furthermore, Sugar….people who order an “Expresso” will most assuredly feel my pimp slap. “It’s ‘Espresso’, you moron”. LOL

  2. admin

    I am proud that my readership has this kind of smarts. Keen insights, David. Your coffee/women wisdom extends to other food groups. I have long said about my beloved bride, the Smokin’ Hot Wife, that I knew she was the perfect woman when on one of our earlier dates she asked the waitress… for more gravy. “More gravy!!” Yes!!
    We dated 4 weeks, then were engaged.
    We married 5 weeks later.
    When a woman asks for more gravy and looks like Miss America, an Old School guy doesn’t waste time.

  3. DavidCorsaro

    During my many many years of single life, I, like most single men, was on a quest for the perfect woman. But how can you tell a “good” woman from a “bad” woman quickly, thereby not subjecting yourself to date after date of wasted time? I found that taking a girl to Starbucks was a perfect test. The more complicated her drink order was, the more “high maintance” she would be in a relationship. If she ordered a triple venti pumpkin latte with extra whipped cream and half a cup of Nigerian dwarf goat milk (which can only be obtained by taking a 4 day trip through a series of moutains and valley’s that would make Indiana Jones scared), then what do you think she would be like when you asked “Where do you want to go for dinner?”

    Conversely, a man’s drink order should be simple, direct and to the point. “Coffee black”…..”Grande mild”….”iced tea, iced”……these are all acceptable. We are men. We should be direct. If you are a man and you really really really want a double vanilla frapawhatever with extra foam, then make sure you walk up to the counter and order it ALONG with a Grande mild. Everyone will assume that the Grande Mild is for you and the very long and complicated order is for the woman you must have in the trunk of your car.

    Now, go be awesome.

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