Arrive late or early (your call!)
Whatever you do, if you borrow my car don’t fill the gas tank, but please, do fill my car with fast food bags.
Don’t get dressed up or look presentable (“look presentable” good phrase) before 4 p.m. If you are in your gym shorts and slippers with your hair sticking off your head in 23 directions, then I can know you really, really like me. (You really do!)
You’ll be tempted to keep the guest room looking reasonably organized, but if you can make the room a big mess (maybe even break something and not tell me — dare to dream) I can tell my friends I know Keith Richards.
If need to use my washing machine, don’t overload it with more than 2-3 items. One item at a time is diddly do perfect! That way it’s tied up more for when I have to use it (and I hate laundry — don’t you??!)
I love to pick up your wash cloth out the shower. Whatever you do, don’t hang it up. Leave it on the bottom of the tub for me. That way I get to touch it when I use the shower. Can I get a “yay-yay”?
Please use the Smokin’ Hot Wife’s luffa! That way, once you’re gone I can boil it in water and make “you soup”.
Leave your beard shavings in the sink. In fact, leave all your bathroom stuff – toothbrush, toothpaste, toiletries — out after your shower. And thanks for not flushing the john. It does my heart good to know you’re keeping up on your fiber.
Don’t you dare keep that floor dry!
Don’t hang up the towel. Leave it on the guest room floor so the carpet can get that wonderful “gushy” feel. (Did you know that penicillin comes from mold, too?)
Don’t compliment my bride’s cooking. Evaluate it so that we may benefit from your wisdom.
My fridge is your fridge. If you see a pan of lasagna in there, don’t you dare ask me before carving out a piece. So what if it was planned for tomorrow’s supper. You’re hungry now!
And listen, I really won’t know you’re comfortable unless you take food to your guest room. And listen, just don’t take a small bowl of mixed nuts. Take the entire can. That way I won’t be tempted to enjoy a potentially fattening snack after I finish cleaning the bathroom.
If you’re a smoker, don’t go more than five inches away from my home’s most used entry way to light up.
Keep it Old School, my friend
The Old Man